Immediate Thoughts

basically i've forgotten all of my mathematical training... i suppose one year of repose is too much for something that cannot fix in my mind at first glance... there are some stuff that do fix...

this, instead of demoralizing me - although it did do that at first - has made me see more clearly what i'm made of... and what would make me feel better in the future, i suppose. i'm not the immortal absorber of info ppl may mistake me for... although sometimes i'm surprised by certain extend of my cramming skills... for subjects that retain in my mind... and then, there's math... absolutely no retaining skill whatsoever. i've forgotten the basics and although i can grasp concepts easily at first learning, i cannot recall them to my disposal in times of need. this is somewhat a paradox, but here's the proof, alas.

but i'm just currently in a state of calm. no stress. no hurry. it's certainly not the end of the world, just a rather helpful future-reference realization. -sigh- this lack of drive is quite troubling.

anyway, i think i'll just face whatever is ahead of me. in any case, all i can think of for the past hour is the food i'm going to eat tomorrow... pizza? burgers? sandwich? greek? ionno... it seems a rather out-of-place thought process, but it will not go away, nor would i want it to... maybe this is my escapist syndrome... hmm... at least it's towards something pleasant... maybe it's just a result of my hunger at the current moment. i donno. i feel the defeat in my bones, yet i've only done so to myself... perhaps mentally closing a few more doors within myself... if there were any open in the first place. now i'm not making any sense, maybe my subconscious just likes to write and write as if there is something important to say, even though my eyes can only follow the systematic scrolling of the letters as they appear via the magic of computer keyboard... i feel dull. the knife no longer wavers, the edge no longer sharp... how i wish for it to feel keen again.

maybe i'm just feeling drowsy from my nap... -yawn- yes i actually did at this very moment. hmm, a series of moments eh. whatever just doesnt cut it yet.

i'll see.

i feel like writing again.

-L